| Just Shoot Me! |
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| 04:20pm 05/07/2008 |
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I seem to be saying that a lot lately.
Honestly I am very frustrated. I have barely any hours at work, I am depressed and my fiance isn't being helpful about the whole wedding planning. It sucks!
I am just so frustrated. Honestly at this point I don't even want to get married. I don't want to plan it anymore. I don't want to deal with it.
I am tired of being told that I am being a brat about planning my own wedding. (Yeah isn't that wonderful to hear?)
It's turning into and us vs them about my wedding. (Basically, me against my fiance and his parents.) Everything I do is being rude to his parents in some way. Not that his parents have said word one to me about it. No, I just hear all of this through him. WHen I talk to them they do not mention any of it and I am not going to bring it up.
It's amazing how much I am editing my thoughts for this entry. I didn't think that was humanly possible. But I guess it just falls under the category of I can complain about my loved ones but if you do I will take you out sort of thing.
Ugh! I just don't want to deal with this anymore.
I just got told that I better like the place we are going to look at tomorrow. What kind of thing is that to say? Seriously?
I feel like I am being backed into a corner. I cannot talk to my fiance about the wedding or the wedding plans. He just thinks he has the answer and since I don't like it I am the one being ungrateful.
Like I said, this is no longer and us decision. It's a 'Well, my parents are only going to pay for this' decision.
Ugh......
Somebody save me.... |
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| Crappy Myspace |
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| 02:39am 01/07/2008 |
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mood:  Dead music: The filter in the fish tank
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So myspace has officially pissed me off, but maybe that is because I am already in a bad mood to begin with.
That's right. Surprise surprise, Tracy's in a bad mood. Not like that never happens.
As the date to my wedding draws closer, I find myself wondering, Why am I even alive? Why and I here really? Is there a point?
Because right now I really don't see a point to any of it. Life just seems to get worse. I don't feel like I have any joy in living. I feel very morbid actually. I feel like I am trying so hard to reach out, but to no avail. And as I sit here, stewing, I find myself thinking about all the crap that has happened to me. Be it recently or years ago. And to be honest I don't feel anything except for a wide sense of detachment. I feel like I exist. that's it. I am here, but there is no reason for it.
I remember back when I was seriously emo and confused about life. I got hurt by people and I clung tightly to the pain. The pain was something I could feel. It was real. It made me feel real. Maybe that's why I held onto it so hard.
Now I just feel.....nothing. Or rather I feel things but they seem to be brief. The rest of the time I just feel like I am floating in an infinite abyss. There is nothing to feel. There are things to do but I feel no connection to the activities. I just do them because I have to and they are there. I could not do them, but that doesn't mean anything either.
I go to work to make money to pay my bills and keep my pathetic self alive for one more day.
I can't talk to anyone about this because no one really cares. THey tell me I am just stressed or that my life is fine. Or I get guilt tripped.
I guess I know that people will miss me, but what's the point? I am easily replaced and within a short time people will have moved on and I will have been just a name or a wisp of nothingness that never made an impact.
I AM REPLACEABLE!
That's the main point I think. I just feel like I don't do anything worthwhile. I weep for the world. But there is nothing I can do to change. I feel the pain of time as it slowly runs out. I feel the pain of change. I feel the pain of seeing what I cannot change.
And it's just crappy.
I wish I had someone to talk to.... |
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| Into the Sun |
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| 04:15pm 20/09/2006 |
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Wow, I am amazed at how diferent my life is now versus two months ago when I wrote that last entry. Things have changed so much for me. Or maybe, I have just changed... I think it's the later more then the former. Granted I have been through a lot of change just in the last month. But really I think the difference lies not in my circumstances, but rather in the way I choose to perceive those circumstances.
I never knew life could be like this. I never knew that I could feel this free. I wonder if this is what people have been feeling all along that I have been so shut out of. Though I do realize that it was only me who was keeping myself bound in chains. I was the only one holding myself back, and now I am just not anymore.
I don't really believe that people are different everywhere. I do believe that there are some variations between towns and states, but not at the core of it. I still don't believe people when they say that all they need to do is get out of Brentwood. It's not true, but I do admit that it does help.
Mostly what needs to happen is that you need to get away from whatever bonds are keeping you shackled and suppressed. What you need is the ability to escape and to grow free without restrictions.
I do admit that my life has changed since leaving Brentwood, and that it is better. But it was not the act of leaving Brentwood that caused this change. What started my metamorphasis was the simple, yet complecated, act of letting go, of breaking free of the shackles and limitations that I had set upon myself and my growth.
The whole process began about five weeks before I left for school. I had been pushed to my limits countless times, yet each time I managed to hold onto my chains, fighting, tooth and nail, to stay in the delicately balanced cage I had created for myself. It was only after slipping through the bars without notice that my world began to change.
I began to realize that there was more to life and the world then the tiny plasitic bubble I had created. There was oh, so much more! An entire realm of possibilities then I had never even begun to imagine. No longer did I feel that my world was restricted to no's or unsurmountable obstacles. Finally I discovered that there were paths around the mountains in my life. Ones that would take me on a gentle slope through the treacherous terrain, instead of having to fight up the sheer cliffs. I found new possibilities, and new ways of looking at things.
And through this journey I also discovered people. Real people who cared and were there to help you, and work with you, so that together we might all overcome our mountains. Before all I had found were ghosts and vampires watching and waiting like scavengers, seeking to steal the last drops of blood as you clung fiercely to the fragile threads of life...
But that isn't my life anymore. My world has changed. It is no long the dark crypt of my nightmares. Like a child wakes from a bad dream, I have come into the bright sunlight of a new morning. |
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| ....... |
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| 10:49pm 28/06/2006 |
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I just hate my life right now. And it's dumb. This shoudn't be affecting me in the slightest and for some stupid reason it is. No one appreciates me. I exist. It's that simple.
Even my best friend will lie to me because of a promise she made to a stranger. Guys like her more then me anyways.
Everyone just says that I am drama and it sucks when I am depressed because everyone will hear about it. I am so tired of being lied to. If I am such a horrible person how come none of my friends has the balls to tell me. I have to hear it from complete strangers who don't give a crap about me.
Then again that's a lot of people. I am sick of this crap. I am just going to stop talking about it.
Goodnight. |
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| I'm Two Quarters and a Heart Dowm |
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| 01:13am 24/05/2006 |
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mood:  nostalgic music: Country, What else is there?
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Okay, well, it's been quite a long time since I have been here. Ever since the whole myspace trend started I haven't really been on this site.
So, maybe people have forgotten about my little world here. Maybe...
Well, life continues on as it always has, confusing me more and more as it goes. *sigh* I am honestly so lost. I don't even think it's confusion anymore. It's just me being more lost then I have ever been before....
I had so much fun last night. It was cool and it was just plain good old fun. I wish Sean could be like that more often. He's a really great guy when he wants to be. And he cares a lot. It's just when he decides to be a jerk or when he tells you that you are the one messing up and making things hard on him... That's when he bothers me.
Last night though was really cool. I wish I could hang out with people like that all the time. It would be nice. But I keep seeming to screw things up. Maybe if I just bossed everyone they would like me more. I mean I could sit there and tell them my opinion and that it's right.... I mean it works for other people....
*sigh*
I guess I will never be one of those people. It's just not who I am. I just drive people away it seems. Even the ones who apparently care for me so much. I just don't know what to do honestly. And on top of that I don't want to worry about it. I just wish there was someone out there who understood me and whom I could understand. Too bad life's not like that. I mean life's not a faerie tale. If only it were.
***
Anyways, I watched one of my favorite movies tonight and I didn't cry! I didn't even really tear up which is good. It's not the greatest movie to cry over and most people will think it sad that I would even think about tearing up over that paticular movie, but B did too when I showed it to her so it's okay. I am not the only one who has cried during tht movie. Ha!
Well, anywas, the nostaga of tonight is really starting to get to me so I think I will leave for now.
Later Days |
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| A Tease...? |
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| 10:48am 06/07/2005 |
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music: Mr. Brightside ~ The Killers
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Hmmm.... I got told something really interesting last night. I got told I was a tease. That basically I get a guy there and then I don't take it anywhere. Guys that I didn't even know liked me said this type of thing. I honestly didn't know I did it, and I still don't. I mean I don't exactly grasp the comment.
On my side of it I am sick of always having to make the first move with a guy. It always seems that the guys I come in contact with wil never make the first move. It's like I have to do something over the top to get their attention. And honestly I don't like putting myself out there like that. It makes me feel like a slut because I am trying to get someone to notice and I have to do something overt to do it.
But now I am hearing from the guys side that I am a tease. I get them there and then they see the wall. A few of them have said they don't see the wall until they are there.
I know what wall they are talking about. It's the fact that I won't screw them. But on my side, I don't think I am doing anything to suggest that I would sleep with them. A couple of the guys I had huge crushes on but it's like they didn't notice. Later I found out that they heck of liked me too. I am just so confused by it. But as far as the wall goes, I didn't even know things were going that way on their side. The way I saw things is that they didn't like me and that nothing was gonna happen. I mean we didn't kiss or hold hands or have any contact and apparently I got them there and gave them the vibe that I would screw them.....How does that work?
Can anyone explain this? |
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| 11:40pm 15/03/2005 |
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Hmmmm....Well I haven't really been "here" for a while. I haven't really written an entry in days, but that might be because I haven't been in town really. At least not this weekend.
Naw, most of this weekend has been spent in Sacramento... Living on Mikey and Meagan's couch. Not bad though. It was quite a comfortable couch. :-p
Ummm, yeah. Had a good weekend. I think I might be going up there again sometime.
Anyways, I have a few things that I need to check out so I gotta jet.
Later Days |
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| Just Do It!!!! |
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| 09:38pm 13/03/2005 |
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WOULD YOU:
1. Give me your number?
2. Have sex with me?
3. Let me kiss you?
4. Watch a movie with me?
5. Let me take you out to dinner?
6. Drive me somewhere?
7. Take a shower with me?
8. Be my bf/gf?
9. Have a fling with me?
10. Buy me a drink if i didnt have money?
11. Take me home for the night?
12. Would you let me sleep in your bed?
13. Sing car kareoke w/ me?
14. Re-post this for me to answer your questions?
15. Do you think im attractive, sexy, or hot?
16. Do you like my style?
17. Do you think im funny?
18. Do you care about me?
19. Would you dance with me?
20. Would you sing happy birthday to me?
21. Have dinner with me?
22. Would u consider me as a sister/brother?
23. Help me with guy/girl problems?
24. Try and find me a boyfriend/girlfriend
25. If I asked you to go out and buy me a condom because of an "emergency" would you??? |
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| Yeah! I Finally Get To Be a Part of the Fad! LOL! |
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| 12:35am 24/02/2005 |
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mood:  tired
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I want everyone who reads this to ask me four questions. Any four, no matter how personal, dirty, private, or random. I have to answer them honestly. In turn, you have to post this message in your own journal, and you have to answer the questions that are asked of you. |
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| Quotes from Incubus Dreams |
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| 03:16am 20/02/2005 |
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mood:  happy music: My own odd thoughts
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Well, it's late, and guess who is still awake? Hmmm... I think being sick all week has totally whacked my sleep schedule...That and my dreams have been a bit weirder then usually. (At least what's usual for me) For just a taste of what I mean, Marlin was in my dreams last night, or the very last one before I woke up and he was dragging me into this store at a mall, but that's all I am going to say for now.
Anywho, back to the point. I am still up so what have I done with all this wonderful wakeful time on my hands? I have done what any normal Tracy person would do (because tracy people are so normal to begin with... :-p . I have been reading. This is probably the biggest book in this series and I am finally about half way through it. There are 658 pgs and I am on pg 499, so yeah that would qualify as over half way through.
I am also halfway though another book, which I am reading on audio book and then almost finished with another and I am also reading two other books besides.... Hmmm, this is one of those times where I stop and look what I am reading, or rather how much, and wonder how the heck I can keep all the books straight. Hmm, honestly I don't really know. Oh, well. Back to the point of this entry...
So anyways, I was bored and wanted a break from the book so I decided to post some quotes that just kinda jumped out at me. :-) (Too bad you can't convey emotions through the written word. At least you can't as well as you could if all this were spoken...)
Anywho, quotes:
'Talking in someone's head, when the other person is not allowed into the conversation is rude,' Richard said. 'It's like wispering and pointing.'
What does it say when you need another adult in the bed to referee?
Anyways, I guess I will go and I think that out of context those quotes are kinda lame, but whatever. I like them. :)
Later Days |
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| Happy |
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| 12:55am 15/02/2005 |
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mood: happy music: Marti's Music on the Stereo
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I am just happy! And there is nothing anyone can do about it because I am not going to let anyone bring me down or take this away from me.
Not that they could really take it away from me. It's all mine because this feeling is not based on just one thing or one person but the many combinations of people and things that make up my life. It's so great!
This has been one of the best weekends/couple of days that I have had in a good long while.
Tomorrow is my dad's birthday and me and Marti just spent the last hour decorating the front room. It looks like it was done by a very tall seven year old but it's cool.
I am just so happy! :)
Later Days All!! |
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| 10:58pm 29/01/2005 |
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So now I am a "Youth Nazi." Whatever. I could honestly care less at this point. Though I admit it hurt a lot. Especially when someone is your good friend.
Maybe that's why I have a hard time being myself a lot of the time. It's like I am so afraid to show who I am because people will just tear it down. I mean I hear the way people talk about other people and the things they will totally diss...when does anyone want to stand up and say "Well, I like that band just like they do." ? I mean think about it. Who wants to be part of the outcast crowd, the unpopular ones?
"I lock myself inside these walls, 'cause out there I'm always wrong."
That's the way I feel sometimes. And at the oddest of times around people that I should feel that way... But I don't want to whine and that is not actually why I was going to write this entry.
The real reason was to say that I had a good time last night, and, yes, that surprised me. I thought it was going to be a bunch of teenage girls doing what teen girls do. And, honestly, it was, but I didn't notice a whole lot and it didn't bother me. I mostly hung out with the "older ones" a.k.a. The Chaperons. It was really awesome.
A few of them were my co workers and it was nice getting to know them outside of work. :) I mean we talked about stuff that I never would have expected to come out of their mouths. I mean we talked about what's hot on a guy, what guys are hot and even sex. The last thing that I honestly thought would come up.
But like they say. What happens at Ladies Night stays at Ladies Night.
It was just lots of fun and I think what made it fun was the fact that I didn't expect it. I mean I didn't really know a lot of the girls there and I thought I was just going to have a miserable time and it was the complete opposite. :)
What I also thought was crazy was how well I got along with some of the older people. It just felt right and easy. It wasn't petty like it can be with people my age, and it wasn't gossip either. It was really and it was awesome. I told Tammie that I felt old when we were there because I was hanging out with them and she was like "You are old! Just kidding. You just have an old soul." It was nice. :)
But anyway that's what I wanted to say. There were a few other things that I needed to put down here, but i can wait for the next entry.
Later Days
P.S.
Last night I gave my number to a random woman who was going to give it to her son! I can't believe I did that but oh well. We'll see what happens...
P.P.S.
And about last night...it was weird a bit because people were actually interested in me. Also the fact that Yinka got me to do a small bit of acappella into the mic might have helped...OMG! It felt so awesome to be singing through a mic again...! Even if it was just playing around. I miss it so much that I cannot even begin to explain...
Okay I am honestly done now! Goodnight! |
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| Guess Who Came Back.... |
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| 11:19pm 22/01/2005 |
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Yeah, that's right. Sadly he's back. He wants nothing to do with me though. He won't speak to or be around B when she is with me. Not even on the phone. Luckily he isn't the brightest crayon in the box...
I think it's kinda fun becuase I am not like OMG! HE's Back!.... Hell, no. I honestly don't care....
But tonight was fun. Even though we didn't do anything, except drive. I had a pretty good time. :) I know I am lame. I love it though when me and B have our cool little chats... It's nice to share sometimes...
Anywho, on other news, my parents had a blow out yesterday and it still isn't over today. (That's part of the reason I left the house for about 6 hrs.) I just wish it would be over, but this seems like only the beginning.... And it's not like I can get into the finer details of things. I won't online and there isn't very many people I can talk to about this.
The one person that I could talk to about this isn't here anymore, but we are not going to go into that....
Hmm....I am just going to go.... My paper seems more appealing currently. |
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| Needing to be Needed... |
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| 12:51am 16/01/2005 |
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Sometimes I feel so alone. I just feel like no one really cares what happens to me. It's like i could be gone tomorrow and no one would care or notice....
I don't know why I have been getting like this lately. I think i need to go back to school. I need a change and school is about the only change I can get around here.
I just wish I had someone to hold me. It seems like other girls just go through guys but i can't get one. Is there something wrong with me? Is it my fault?
Hmm...I don't want to continue that train of thought...
I miss her. It will be a month on Friday. It's amazing to believe it's only a month and it's amazing how much I miss her. I still cry. Some nights i still cry myself to sleep.
I feel so much and I don't know how to express it.
One thing I feel besides sad, is sick. It makes me sick that the only grandparent I have left I barely know and she lives in the same complex. It's disgusting and....it hurts. I mean she just wants nothing to do with us...
It's not like we had this huge falling out. It's like she just doesn't want to be a part of our lives. She doesn't care and she's happy to live in her house and never come out.
God, I miss my Grandmother. I love her so much. I felt like she really understood me and she was just always there, whenever i needed her, she was there. And now I can't even call her... She's gone.
I know she's in a better place now and she's not in pain anymore. I mean I know she must have been hurting a lot in the end and I am glad she's not anymore.
I hated seeing her the hospital. I hated seeing her reduced to that. Oh my god it hurt so bad to see someone I loved so much lying in a hosputal bed not even able to communicate her feelings and tell people what she wanted.
I wish so bad that I could just call her up or give her a hug..... She would make everything better. And I could always talk to her. I could always tell her the stuff that I couldn't tell anyone else, like stuff about boys or when me and dad were having a fight and I needed someone to listen to me... She was always there...
And now...now I just don't know what I am going to do. I can't tell anyone any of this. No one understands or else, like my family, they are going through their own grief and I don't want to burden them with mine. I have to be the strong one....
I just can't do it all the time.
On top of that, I want and need to be needed, and no one needs me. No one in my family, none of my friends, if I really have any(Justin has already told me that I don't), not even my job needs me. The only way my job will notice me is if the paper towels or the soap dispensers run out. Then it will be, Wheres that girl who;s supposed to clean this up? Why isn't she doing her job?
*sigh*
I just wish I was wanted and that someone needed me..... |
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| Back... |
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| 11:56pm 15/01/2005 |
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Well it looks like lj is back online.... It's been kinda whack for the past few days...Anyway, it's late, and of course I can't sleep. I was asleep, but now I am awake....sigh. I think I will go now. I am a binch of depressed and I really don't know what to do about it....
Later Days |
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| Need Change.....? |
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| 02:20am 14/01/2005 |
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Hell yeah I need change....the physical, mental, spiritual and metaphorical....!!!
*sigh*
Here it is...almost two thirty in the morning and what am I doing??? Where do I find myself?
Well, first off I find myself in bed. Second, I find myself "here" on my lj. Why? Now that's a good question...and honestly I don't have the foggiest idea. I should be asleep though I know that. But am I? No, of course not.
I just got through playing my newly acquired playstation 2. (Kingdom Hearts being the game if you must know.) But yeah anywho, I took a shower earlier hoping that would make me sleepy and relax me. Well, it did. I mean I feel really nice right now and I do feel kinda sleey...I just don't really want to go to sleep....
I guess it might be because I just have too much that I really want to write down...I just have too much up in my mind that is bouncing around and all...oh god, I sound like a character from one of my books..I need to stop that know...
*sigh*
I don't even feel like typing all that much...I kinda want to talk to someone but no one is online...I want to cuddle...but God knows that ain't going to be happening for a very long time.
(insert deep depressing sigh here...)
I mean I don't care what people say. I am really not going to meet anyone soon and this year is not looking good so far... Yes, I know it is wrong to condemn a year after less then one month but whatever. I really don't give a flying rat... And then considering my luck?
Let's see...I have already had the wannabe, the complete and total jerk, the nice geeky boy next door, and the sweet down to earth guy turned money hungry jerk...what am I missing? How could this get any better? (said with extreme sarcasm mind) then again the nice geeky boy next door wasn't all bad...the rest...in the long run...were.
Ahem. Moving on... I need to change my journal...it's beginning to look old and the decoration on the walls is beginning to piss me off. I feel cramped. I need a change. Maybe this week before school starts I will do something about this place. Maybe try and put some more life into it.... I just don't really know what I want though...I mean i don't know what is me...?
I guess the same goes for my new cell phone and ringtone. I haven't found one yet that really fits...And then of course there is the job...I need to look for a new one of those...the one I have is going completely to hell and that makes me sad for two reasons...One, the kids, and two, Missy. I didn't think I would ever like someone who worked there, but I love Missy. She is freakin' awesome. I will miss her if and when I leave.
I say if because I don't know if I will leave and unlike some stupid people out there I don't just say screw this and screw that and then come crawling back...
*rolls eyes*
Ack! Geez, someone gag. I am beginning to make myself depressed, which is really sad if you come to think about it...
But back to the changing thing...For one I need to watch myself when I get in these moods because if not I will do something drastic... i.e. dying my hair pink in 03, chopping 7 inches of in July 04.... That type of thing.
Are we noticing a trend here? I seem to attack my hair when I am upset...Poor hair. I am sorry. I really don't mean to take it out on my hair...I guess it just sorta happens... I think the only thing stopping me right no from doing something drastic is lack of funds...
I have a sucky job now where I am only getting two hours a day which suck such bad balls that it ain't even funny... i.e. the reason why I need a new job...
Hmmm....It's rather cold in here....I think I might need to put some clothes on after all...that sucks because I was so comfortable too...
*sigh*
No, I am not in the nude...I am wearing a robe...and panties of course. They are the jungle stripped ones. :) Anywho, I best go look for pjs before I catch pneumonia. Lord knows we can't have that happen. Then I might not be able to work for the two measly hours that they are giving me.... Okay I swear I am done grumbling now.
Goodnight and Later Days |
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| Stupefied |
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| 10:37pm 11/01/2005 |
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Ha ha! Success! I have stupefied all with my last entry. And don't say you know what it is about because you don't....
*rolls eyes*
There is probably only one person who knows what the hell the last entry was about....
Anyway, I know you all don't care. Just thought I'd share. I am done for now....I think I will finish my book so i can give it to B.
By the way the book is called God of Beer and it's pretty good. And YAY! I don't start school for another week. Other then that my life gags me with a spoon...
Later Days |
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| Been Meaning to Put This One Down..... |
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| 12:52am 11/01/2005 |
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He likes her
He likes her too
Both want to be more than friends
She considers both to be just friends,
maybe even good friends,
but nothing more
She wonders why things have to change.
She wonders the same thing...
She makes her so angry...
He will never know how good he has it,
and still he wants more
She will never want him the way he wants her,
that is, if it was for real.
She's a pop star,
and likes to keep her private life just that.
He thinks she sounds hot
She has never spoken to him
She has left and gone somewhere else.
Sometimes she misses her
She misses a lot of her old friends,
especially him, on those days when she can't sleep
Both of them want to leave,
but neither knows where they will go
She is about to crack
She doesn't want to be alone.... |
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tracy_the_twit's journal
